Self Awareness

Increasing our self awareness is the key towards living a fulfilling life; a life where we not only give to ourself, but we have plenty left over to freely give to others.  A sustainably fulfilled life is about being comfortable and confident without the need to be continually filled up with outside distractions such as dependent relationships, overworking, substance abuse, unhealthy eating, etc.  It's about knowing how to fill ourselves up on the inside, no matter what is happening around us that trigger the ups and downs in our life.

Childhood Conditioning

Developing an understanding about our own childhood is a crucial element in becoming the best parent or care giver we can be.  We all bring to our parenting or professional experience, part of our own history of being parented.  Often that means we bring some very wonderful gifts that our parents gave to us.  But sometimes it can mean that we feel out of step with our children.  Whether we had a wonderful childhood or one that was lacking, we will still face challenges in our own parenting or working with children.  Without conscious awareness of how we were treated as a child, old unconscious patterns from our childhood take over and we end up parenting or relating from the past rather than in the present.

Our childhood conditioning is a major determining factor in our lives and does impact on the relationships we have with children.  It is with us 24 hours a day and can influence every aspect of our thinking, feeling and action.  It determines the quality of our attitudes, which determines the quality of our relationships and choices to either respond or react to our child.

Often when we become a parent we vow either to be as good as the parents we've had or to do everything differently and to give our child the love we never got.  Either way, we are parenting from the past and forgetting about the real needs and wants of our child in the here and now.  Parenting from the past is really about us and not about our child and can often create the very thing we are trying to avoid.

Understanding these 'childhood scripts' can bring greater self awareness, shedding light on our own parenting journey and ultimately enriching the relationships we have with the children in our lives.

True acceptance is to be loved always, no matter who you are, what mistakes you've made or regardless of what anyone has ever said about you or done to you.  Rarely in our lives do we experience being loved unconditionally like this.  Therefore, we often find it very difficult to treat ourselves like this.  Instead, the combination of childhood conditioning, inherited values and beliefs as well as work pressures and life circumstances can lead us to low self esteem and high self judgement.  In fact, when we are feeling vulnerable, we can be our own worst critic.  Unfortunately, in order for this self judging, self defeating part of ourselves to be able to face the world, it can turn this judgement out onto others, so as not to have to feel the pain and vulnerability of not being perfect and simply being human.  As a result, when we deny our own humanity, we are then naturally prone to deny the humanity in others.

It is important to remember that, even as an adult, we really are doing the best that we can and mistakes are a natural part of being human.  This deep form of self-acceptance enables our judging and blaming selves to consciously embrace and care for this human self of ours.  Many of us mistakenly believe that by continuously giving to others we will be loved, however, it actually works the other way around.  By giving ourselves unconditional love, we will then have it to give to others.  When our love comes from the inside out, it is more authentic, genuine and organic!

Self Responsibility

Often I hear parents and people who work with children wonder whether taking care of their own needs is "selfish".  However, by putting ourselves at the center of our lives we can fill up our inner-tank of love and fulfillment to where it should be and return to a healthy balance rather than continually running on empty.  When this is the case, we try to fill ourselves up by taking from others, or from the environment, in destructive ways.  This taking, this unhealthy dependency and endless materialism, loses touch with the important things in life.  For instance, we think our children need more and more sophisticated toys rather than the essential life-blood of unconditional love.  As a result, our children become more and more dependent on material things without realising they are really longing for love.  In the process, they don't learn how to love themselves and seek outside themselves, remaining selfishly dependent on others to fill them up.  Ultimately, self-neglect is actually the cause of selfishness!  When we take full personal responsibility for ourselves, we are modelling to our children how to be self responsible.

As adults who care for children, we are supposed to give love.  If we don't already have a source of love to give, where are we going to get it from?  We can't expect to get all the love we need from our partner or friends.  Where are they going to get all this love from to give it to us?  Our partner, and every other adult is in the same dilemma as we are.  Even more destructive is being dependent on this love from our children.  Being an adult means that we have accepted the responsibility for our own life and our own needs.

Self Care

There is a strong tendency in our society not to seek support or take care of our emotional life.  However, could you imagine what might happen in your household if you didn't take care of the laundry washing?  Your whole life could turn into chaos.  You wouldn't have clothes ready to wear when you need them, they may end up in the wrong pile, they may still be sitting in the washer wet or hanging on the line.  As a result, you end up feeling irritable, rushed, frustrated.  This could lead to a family argument, misplaced aggression at work or even a car accident.  Likewise, when we neglect to take care of our emotional lives, feelings can build up and explode out onto others, we can become moody and judgemental or perhaps punishing and withdrawing, all of which can lead to relationship breakdowns and feelings of powerlessness.

Learning to look after our emotions effectively is an important part of a fulfilling life.  To many of us, our emotions are a mystery, we either shut them down, shove them onto someone else or use them to beat ourselves up.  However, when understood and effectively integrated into our personality, our emotional life is a source of great wisdom and inner-strength.

As hard as it may seem, it is actually easier, more effective and more empowering to change ourselves rather than try to change someone else.  This self-change must come in the form of self care.   Self care is about having an active loving relationship with ourselves.  It is essential to our well being and is a crucial part of deeply connected relationships with children.

If you'd like to give more to yourself, check out our weekly Heart Cirlce workshops "Move the Body, Centre the Mind, Inspire the Spirit!".

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